Clear and Present Acting... Filling Our Voids.

What I wrote in my notebook:

The Need I need fulfilled:
1. To be understood
2. To be loved
3. To feel safe and secure and cared for

“You’re vacant.” - What Lank was told when working on a piece in college… Honestly? That would make me cry, and has made me cry. Because I’ve been told that many times. My inability to connect sometimes gets the better of me and I’m unable to even fake my way through emotion… That’s depressing, for sure.

A very confusing exercise that eventually made sense:
Two chairs, two people. One must make the other fill their void without telling them what it is…

Bradley – Donald: Drugs, Alcohol, dabbling in it okay? Bradley didn’t want to be judged so he asked questions pertaining to Donald’s ability to judge him and what other people would think as well.
Harrison – Courtney: Harrison expressed a feeling of inadequacy.
Taylor – Benjamin: Taylor wanted companionship, so he invited Ben out to dinner.
Jared – Taylor: I wanted to be cared for, and to feel safe. Taylor proved that to me.
Helen – Harrison: Drifting, hard to be sad / happy, working with a mundane schedule day after day after day… She was told to sing a Christmas song (Hark the Herald Angel’s Sing)… She wanted to be happy… and she smiled.
Kassie – Jared: Kassie wanted to be sure that everything was alright next semester. She wanted to feel like it will be okay for her to come back and be in Evansville, when she so desperately wants to be overseas studying and doing what she wants to do. I have the same feelings and I’m not able to go overseas, and I think she picked me because she knew that I could relate.
Jerica – Ashley: Jerica had a hard time in expressing her void… “This isn’t easy.” (no shit). She expounded in saying that she wanted to be sought after, or to be loved not for her circumstances, but for her individuality. Not because she’s in the department, but because she’s wanted.
Ashley – Dawn: Wants to meet people, wants to broaden her horizon. She’s feeling frustrated, and Dawn told her to come out with them more often. Which is a great idea. Something I need to do as well.
Dawn – Helen: “What do you like about yourself?” Dawn asked of Helen. Dawn is feeling unsure of herself like she’s somewhat lost, or has lost track of what she’s doing.
Courtney – Taylor: Courtney is “Very Pretty,” Says Taylor. He says that she needs to come over and watch TV. Christmas carol of her choice was O Night Divine. She got what she wanted out of him, but it took longer than I think she wanted it to, or expected.
Donald – Jordan: Donald was to express his emotion through a musical song… (this is ridiculously easy… moreso easier than talking in my opinion). Jordan didn’t really get it, to be honest. Donald wanted a hug, and Lank made him want a hug.
Jordan – Kassie: DANCE BILLY! DANCE! And dance he did.
Ben – Courtney: He’s doubtful and unsure, but I think he’s more restless than anything, just like Chris. He’s ready to get the hell out of here for a little while, and reexamine his motives for being here.
Chris – Jared: Chris has always struck me as a silently restless person, never really satisfied with his surroundings, and always working to help others and himself get to where they want to go. He didn’t say anything, I can just sense when one is going through the motions, and he is. He wants to get out of here. He feels like he’s wasting time here and there doing nothing and something at the same time. It’ll be okay Chris.

We then did a sound exercise where we stood in two staggered rows facing each other, and we went quickly back and forth down the rows making a movement and a sound to express what we felt inside. It started out deathly slow. Almost a derge. It picked up after a short while with Lank harping on the rapidity needed to just get out of your head.

The group was very loud and then all of a sudden, without any prior instruction, we (minus me) got very quiet and introspective. Some started yawning, as if it were a catharsis that they had experienced or something. I wish I could have experienced that. I was still irritated, and jumpy inside my mind. I wanted something else. Something that I wasn’t getting from anything around me or myself. That’s irritating!

We went into discussion mode and talked about being present. I’m most present when I’m talking with my Mom to be honest. I’m comfortable enough with her that I can say what I want and I’m always listening to her when she asks random, off the wall questions.

“We are most present when we are overwhelemed.” There are different forms of that too. But it’s completely true. When we don’t have the answers. Joyful as well, in fact. Some people become absorbed in church, that’s being present. If you’ve ever been around someone about to die, you become more present, and they become present too. When you’re constantly influenced by circumstances. You can’t be thinking about it.

Cynicism sets in when you start thinking about it. We start to make excuses to ourselves the further away we consequently get from the play. Just gotta let things happen. Flesh it out and allow yourself to be!

What can we do? Harrison is always trying to get at it as an actor.. Being ‘actory.’ This isn’t the way to do it. If we try to search for an anaswer, a path to take, we’re not allowing circumstances and events to affect us. This is a huge mistake.

Lank and Christmas story – he’s downsizing Christmas, and he had a bad day and he couldn’t figure out how to daisy chain the two topiaries out in front of the house together. He almost started crying (I would too.)

It’s hard to fill voids. The “I don’t know’s…” of the world we live in.

Overall, it was a great class, and I’m glad we got to discuss things.