Stream of Consciousness Entry

Jared M. Brown
Acting Class
Stream of Consciousness

Wanting to go home for Christmas break is driving every decision here, leading me one day closer to seeing my mom who I miss more than anything. Seeing my boy, seeing my brother and sister and giving them a hug. I want to be held right now. Knowing that I can’t be held hurts so much though. I sit in bed at night unable to fall asleep because of all the crap filtering around in my mind with all the things I have to do yet in order to complete my day. I want rest. I want to naturally fall asleep when my head hits the pillow for Christ Sake. I’m mortally exhausted but I sit in bed for hours staring at the ceiling. I want to be cuddled with and caressed and loved physically. I want my boys. I want to be able to wake up refreshed and have even a slightly positive outlook on my day, not the depressed and cowarding point of view I live through now. When I think of classes all I want is to stay in bed and sit and stare at the walls at the pictures of home and imagine myself in the situation. I want some fucking decent sushi. I want to work at a job where they give me tips again. I want money. Money is in such scarcity but I want to spend more and more of it. When my family had money it was never spent on me, but all I want now is a shopping spree at Hanes and Mauritz or a gift certificate even to Macy’s so I can buy some decent audition shirts instead of the dark puke maroon shirts I have. I love having so many ties but despise not having any dress shirts to go with them, nor any decent pairs of slacks to dress up in. I want to be rich. I want to be 17 again. I want to be flexible. I want to be younger and more vulnerable. I want to fall asleep with someone I love beside me and wake up to their kisses.