What Makes Me Angry...

Acting class Tuesday was pretty much a mess. I was a mess, and I cannot fully explain in words how much I messed up.

Monday night was a very long night trying to prepare for a presentation for Religion class, on which my GPA is dependent partially. It's one of my lowest grades, I know it, and I'm scared shitless of not passing. Ergo: I was busy working my ass off on the presentation, not paying much attention to the time. When I finally went to bed at some 6 or so in the morning, eventually falling into a sleep around maybe 7, I didn't really think to set an alarm for myself to wake up.

I didn't really want to wake up.

I was so exhausted and so irritated with myself and everyone else that I just wanted to sleep forever and not cause any more havoc in this world.

That didn't happen: at 9:02 I get a phone call from Dawn Shultz who whispers to me, "Jared Get to Class!" I suddenly full awaken and bolt out the door screaming, "OhGodOhGodOhGod..." I grab a shirt and some jeans, a pair of socks and my shoes and my key and start running. I was about 10 or so minutes late and I happened upon the class from the right side of the May with Taylor Bailey in the center ranting and raving about things that got him mad, and Lank said, "Switch!" and he started talking about all the things he loved and made him happy...

I politely waited until he was done and went and sat down trying to be inconspicuous and unnoticed. That doesn't really work with only 14 people does it? No. Not really.

Everyone went and inbetween two of them, Lank randomly said,

"I shot the Santa Clause in the mall last night."
Dawn pipes in a few moments later, "With what?"
"A gun!.... He's Dead!"

Anyway. People talked about what made them angry and I noticed that only some of the people who were genuinely angry or genuinely happy expressed it through their bodies, which I think was the whole point of the exercise... If I had been there for the description, I might have known, but alas.

It was my turn and right at the end of the person before me (Jordan, maybe?), I had jotted down inadvertantly, - I hate not being able to be with my love -

So, it was my turn. About 10 or so words into it, my eyes started wattering, my throat became tight, my hands started shaking, and my lips began to quiver as just about everything on my mind came out like a flood gate that had been holding back the fricken Columbia River. I talked about my braces, about the money situation with my parents, Not being motivated, being incredibly depressed, being lonely... just lots of things that have been absolutely irritating me to no end, things I didn't think would make me want to cry and break down, but they did.

Switching over to things that made me happy was one of the hardest things to do. Not much makes me happy in this world anymore, which is tragic and sad to say, but honestly, it's true. Not much is worth the temporary moment of a smile and a laugh anymore. I mentioned food, shoes, my boy back at home... Not much else though. I think Lank realized that I might need to get some of the negative out rather than the positive at that moment... Rather keen Lank, you're my hero.

I was honestly expecting him to stop me after 2 or 3 segments: (bad, good, bad.) and call it quits, but he let me keep going, which I needed.

I'm sure I offended the entire class with my yelling and ranting, but there's nothing I can do about that. I'm just so tired of bottling up everything and having it explode. Thank GOD I have a constructive atmosphere in which to release all of that anger. I felt vunerable though. So incredibly 'out there' and alone in front of everyone. Alienated, almost. Almost like what Anna Devere Smith describes in numerous letters to BZ.

After I made a fucking fool of myself about to cry in front of everyone, who doesn't give a shit about why I'm crying, I went and sat down for a brief moment. We all then got up and started massages and spiders, and tapping on eachother.

I'm sooo tickelish, but most people don't know it. Well they do now. I couldn't contain composure even for an instant without busting out laughing. It made me feel soooo vunerable.

We sat in a circle and said the first thing that came to our minds, too. That was exciting. I love hearing what people will instinctually say about certain questions.

After class was dismissed, I escaped out the side to avoid everyone and went to meeting. I didn't want to have anyone looking at me.

*I'm falling asleep, again.* Time for a nap before homework tonight.


Jared M. Brown